He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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