I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
