I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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