i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
