i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
