Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I pour the whiskey from now on
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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