a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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