don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
