from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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