I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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