hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
