Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
