If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
