even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
