i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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