twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
