Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
