he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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