i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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