Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
