My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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