I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
