Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
