She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
