Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
