Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
