Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
