I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
