I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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