i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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