So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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