I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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