I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
