At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
