Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
