Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
