i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
