did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Randomize
