i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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