She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Randomize
