Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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