then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
