Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
