All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
