I wish I could teleport
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
