You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
