My hand turned me down
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
