in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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