Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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