Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
